Validation
by Psycho Lullaby
Summary: When you’ve done it all, when you’ve seen it all, when you know how it all plays out in the end and recognize that anything and everything you will ever do is absolutely pointless...what do you want? Ed/Envy, Implied Ed/Al


Title: The Way Home

**Title:** _**Validation**_  
**Author:** Marysia  
**Rating:** Hard R, NC-17  
**Pairings:** Ed/Envy (Possible implications of Elricest)  
**Genre:** Psychological, Angst, Smut  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own _**FMA!**_ Duh.  
**Warnings:** Elricest Undertones, Violence, Yaoi, Borderline Necrophilia, Character Death

**Notes:** You would not be reading this right now if **hieronymousb** didn't offer to beta it and um…strongly insist I post it. Also, I know **hieadenna** really wanted to see it finished as well 3 Product of 4 AM and second hand smoke! Enjoy.

The first time was against the lab's basement wall. Edward was much more vibrant then, so alive with hatred that his skin burned anyone who dared to make contact with him. Envy hissed and tore at the alchemist who pinned him with such heat and _that question. _

"What is it you want?"

Envy growled and twisted in his prison, ankles and wrists bound to the cement foundation by the forces of alchemy. Panicked and enraged, he lunged uselessly against his restraints, trying to escape the suffocating _closeness_ of the alchemist who imprisoned him in so many ways. Ed's eyes, smoldering as they bore down on him, face so close, lips so…close…

"You know damn well what I want, you fucking bastard!"

Ed narrowed those invasive eyes and tensed. Envy panted. Ed sighed. He had grown weary of Envy's ever-so-predictable behavior, and with a deep breath, he steadied himself for the first swing.

There's nothing quite like the sound of automail crushing bone. The dull thud and crunch of Ed's fist impacting the side of Envy's face, one solid punch that would ring forever in Envy's mind. You see, it wasn't _just_ the physical sensation of the hit, oh no, but all that had swelled within the young boy over time. All that had built up to that single blow.

And the next, and the next…

Envy's face was bruised and bloody after only a few punches. Regeneration was no longer an option available to him, as Edward had _somehow_ made the connection of the link between the nodes on his back and his healing abilities. He made use of his newfound knowledge by embedding jagged pieces of stone into the alchemical imprints on Envy's back, stunting his powers and rendering him helpless.

_Fucking genius, right?_

Edward asked him--low and somewhat pleading--with his cheek pressed against Envy's as he drew his metal blade across the soft flesh of Envy's stomach.

"What is it…you want?"

Envy just snorted, tossed his head back and laughed and laughed and laughed. He continued to do so even after Edward plunged his arm into his belly and Envy's laughter sounded more like a painful gurgle.

Even after Edward left him to hang gutted against the wall, his gurgles sounding more like sobs.

_"It's not so bad," Al had once told Ed. They both knew he was lying. Al sat on the edge of the sofa in their shared apartment, his legs pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped securely around his shaking knees. "Really! It's…it's not bad."_

"Al…" Ed didn't know what he could say to make things any better for his younger sibling, and the guilt of having placed such an unspeakable burden on sweet, innocent Alphonse pained him more than anything. Ed moved to sit down next to him as the boy rocked back and forth, sniffling. 

It's all my fault

Weeks later, it had been in Edward's apartment. Envy stood in the doorway after being caught in a summer storm that soaked him to the bone, shivering as pools of water settled around his muddy feet and stained Edward's carpet. Edward didn't give him more than a passing glance before returning to his studies, although Envy couldn't fathom what he would be researching now. His brother restored, his mission completed, and Edward acted as if Envy was no longer his concern.

"Figured it out yet?" Edward mused, tapping his pencil against the open pages of the book before him. Envy scowled and stomped his way across the room. He grabbed Edward by the collar of his shirt, and Ed didn't bother to resist as he was flung to the floor.

From his place on the hardwood, Edward leaned back on his elbows and looked up at Envy, who towered over him. Envy's form blocked out the light of Ed's desk lamp, and the homunculus himself seemed more a shadow outlined in gold than an animal to be feared. Ed couldn't even make out the details of Envy's face, though he reckoned he could manage a good enough guess as to the expression the lone sin wore.

Envy's chest expanded with each harsh breath he took, and Ed smiled lazily, tilting his head to the side.

"What is it you want?"

"To kill you! With my own hands!" Envy exclaimed, shifting his arm into an extended blade and throwing himself down on Edward. Ed was too quick for him and rolled out of the way as the spear impaled the floorboards where he'd lain seconds before.

A clap.

The floor gave way under Envy, melting into a syrup-like substance that absorbed his lower half and arms before solidifying once more. Envy shook, pulling upward with the fleeting strength that remained in his withering body and Edward walked past him, sat down, and continued with his studies.

Hours passed before Edward bothered to acknowledge Envy again. Envy shuddered, forehead pressed to the floor, body exhausted and limp. He hadn't known cold before, but it seemed that the longer he went without red stones, the more susceptible he was to environmental influences on his body. He heard the scraping of the chair legs and the uneven thud of flesh and metal footsteps, but didn't turn to look at Ed as the young man kneeled down beside him and draped a blanket over him. Ed slipped a hand under Envy's face and lifted it high enough to place a pillow beneath him as well. Then he stood, returned to the desk to flick off the lamp, and went to bed.

Once more, before leaving in the morning. Envy refused to look him in the eye, much less answer him, so Edward shrugged, released Envy, and left.

_"I'm going to join the Military," he told him, and Ed nearly leapt out of skin. "I know what you're going to say," and he did, "but brother…I've decided that this is what I want. I know you gave me this body so I could live again, but I've seen the alternatives, and even if I live a longer life I…well I can't be satisfied with that. I love you, you know I do, and I know you love me too, but…" Al clenched his hands at his sides, voice cracking as tears welled up in his eyes._

"…I understand," Ed said, embracing his brother and squeezing his own eyes shut against the dampness there. "I'm sorry."

He cried.

"Me too." Al rubbed his face dry on Ed's shirt color and mumbled into his neck. "I want to do for others what I can't do for myself and the ones closest to me. So at least I can die believing _that I mattered."_

Ed nodded, his face still buried in Al's shoulder.

"Brother. What do _you_ want?"

Nearly a month later, Edward felt the familiar--but not entirely unwelcome--presence trailing him on his way back to the faculty dorms. He took his usual route home, cutting through the back alley between the two warehouses furthest from the university's living spaces. Envy descended from the rooftops as gracefully as he'd done in his soldier days; Edward had to give him that.

He turned and gave Envy a sly grin. Envy matched Edward's mischievous smile, but when he approached Edward, the newly appointed professor noted the dark circles under Envy's eyes and the way his cheekbones protruded from his thinned, ghostly face. His arms and legs were sickly, thin and brittle, and Edward's composure faltered slightly at the realization of how rapidly his enemy was deteriorating.

Edward opened his mouth, but Envy cut him off.

"Shut up," Envy growled. Ed 'hmphed' and jerked his chin in the direction he was heading, an invitation for Envy to follow if he so desired.

"Four hundred years, huh?" Edward thought aloud as he shucked his dress coat off and laid it over the back of his desk chair. He kept his back to Envy, who stood silently behind him, glowering as Edward began to unbutton his shirt.

"Yeah, what of it?" Envy couldn't see Edward's face, but the boy's body sagged some. His voice was laced with something Envy couldn't quite place. He heard what sounded like pity, but not. Understanding maybe? Surely not! Compassion?

"That's a long time, to be so miserable."

That did it! No way this little snot was going to stand there and act like he had some higher knowledge regarding Envy's suffering. Envy snapped! Tore across the room and locked his hand in the brat's ponytail (the one Ed opted for in place of his braid in hopes of achieving a more sophisticated appearance in the face of politics and what not) and yanked his head back. He circled around in front of Edward, eyes wild and insane.

"And what would you know?!" he spat, speckling Edward's face with saliva. Edward blinked, cringed a bit at the uncomfortable pull on his hair, but otherwise remained unfazed by the homunculus's rage. "Don't stand there and act as if you have even an inkling of understanding for what I've been through, you arrogant prick! I-!"

He paused mid-rant, frozen, as Ed gently squeezed his upper arm and smiled at him, his eyes shimmering oddly.

"Do you know what I saw the day I died?" He laughed then, but it was an empty sound. "The day you killed me?"

Envy narrowed his eyes at the recollection of that day. It was supposed to have been the greatest moment of Envy's life, puncturing the heart of his most hated foe, but the little brother. _The little brother!_ He'd ruined everything! He'd called Edward back! He'd opened that portal with the power of the Stone, and Envy felt the pull of an infinite vortex. He had enough sense to get the hell out of there before it was too late. Before he was swallowed up like everyone else.

The Gate had absorbed Wrath, the Liore girl, and her infant first. They didn't stand a chance. Dante, far too prideful for her own good, believed she had enough knowledge and power to counter the Gate with the use of the partially devoured Stone inside Gluttony, but she really was just another fool human after all. Envy felt the void reaching out for him as well, and he fled. He ran until distance drowned out the chatters of little voices and the screams of their tortured victims.

His return to the surface revealed to him the demise of Pride, and with no plan for the future he went into hiding, plotting how to bide his time now that his source for sustenance and his goal in life had _both_ been taken from him. He stayed within earshot of the military, scavenging for clues regarding the fate of the Elrics, whom he assumed to be dead, and trying to pick up any loose strings from Dante's intricate web of manipulation. Perhaps a trail to follow that would supply him with a source for red water, but he only came up with sewage. Until one day...

He caught a glint of gold in his peripheral and both thanked and cursed the sadistic ways of the universe as he watched Edward and the young boy Ed introduced as his brother, Alphonse, greet the recovering General who aided them throughout their journey. The second chance for revenge was irresistible, and the unfairness of Edward having gained what he sought while Envy was left to decay was too much for him to bear.

"I saw everything that ever was and everything that will ever be," Ed continued. "More so, I felt it. I felt every birth, every life, and every death." Envy stiffened, his face contorting into a mixture of disgust, awe, and fear. "I didn't expect that I would experience the existences of you and the others like you as well…but I did. Your pain, loss, obsession, and nothingness."

"SHUT UP!" Envy made to shove Edward away, but the alchemist held fast to him, voice level and intense.

"I lived the lives of all those before me and all those yet to be, everything that ever came forth from the Gate and all that returns in the end, and I've walked the path I'm walking now a million times over." Edward's eyes had a glazed look about them, a far off gaze, and the confession of his enlightenment seemed to drag his spirit down as he spoke.

"I've asked every question, gained every answer, and now I'm left with just one. When you've done it all, when you've seen it all, when you know how it all plays out in the end and recognize that anything and everything you will ever do is absolutely pointless…" He looked at Envy, who stood trembling, and drew him close, pressing his mouth over his and tightening his arms around Envy's waist.

Envy went rigid, shock and confusion overriding his senses and then, heat melting away his uncertainty with want and desire. His tremors were indistinguishable from Edward's own, and soon they faded into one another.

_What do you want?_

Ed could still remember that day so vividly in his dreams. When he'd died before, murdered by Envy in the underground cathedral, Ed stood before the grand Door once more as tendrils reached forth and summoned him into the abyss. He'd given up hope, lost everything, and still, he had failed to keep his promise to Al. He cried out as the infinite BLACK swallowed up his world, and then, a clear voice called out after him.

"Al?" he questioned, unsure if the owner of the voice was really who he believed it to be, and not just a trick played by the presences within the Gate. As if in reply, unearthly light shone down on the creatures that clung to him, sending them scattering back into the dark, and Edward stumbled backwards, falling flat on his ass in the ethereal. He looked over his shoulder, back the way he had come, towards an opening bathed in a heavenly glow and Al's voice beckoning him. He struggled to gain his footing and scramble back to the mortal realm, but a sudden thought occurred to him and he stopped.

_Al's body…is somewhere inside the Gate!_ He looked back at the writhing mass of darkness and countless eyes, steadying himself.

"Well I'm here already, aren't I?" He gave the unknown a cocky grin and strode into the pits of hell, giving anyone who dared to stand in his way a firm punch in the nose. He pushed and shoved his way through the legion until he saw it! He saw that pale, undernourished, aged, and beautiful body that belonged to his brother.

"Al! Alphonse!" he screamed, and the soulless husk turned and gave him a quizzical look.

"Al! Hurry!" he begged, the Gate creatures pulling him further back from the heart of their home, much to Edward's surprise. He'd been accustomed (well as accustomed as one could be to this sort of experience) to the Gate pulling him in, not expelling him out.

"Grab my hand!" he called, reaching out to the body that tenderly lifted its own arm and reached for Ed.

_Ah ah ah! Too far, Alchemist…_

When Ed made contact, gripping Al's hand in his own spiritual appendage, everything blazed a brilliant white as all the information of the universe was revealed to him, and he could see that same knowledge reflected in the empty eyes of the body he hauled to the surface. As he approached the exit, the center of Al's transmutation, he could make out the frame of the armor waving him onward. He cleared his mind of all other thoughts aside from reuniting Al's body and soul, and brought his hands together.

No one in Central would recognize Al as a frail, dirty blond fourteen-year-old, so it wasn't much of a challenge to create disguises for themselves. He didn't want to risk returning to the military just yet, not with Central still in a panic and at war. The only thing Edward was concerned about was getting Al away from any danger that could befall his fragile body. Ed got them both tickets for the earliest train heading back to Resembool.

He didn't really notice a significant change at first, and regarded his strange sense of acquaintance with absolute strangers as a side effect of excessive traveling. He took every face for a familiar one. However, he found himself having even _stranger_ thoughts. For instance, a man who introduced himself as Alan smiled at him from a neighboring seat on the train and casually mentioned his excitement at being able to visit his wife after a lengthy time of separation. Ed envisioned a lovely woman, late twenties, with long brunette hair, her naked body entangled in an explicit fashion with an equally nude dark-haired man. Ed colored, turned away from the man speaking to him, and briefly noted that Al's cheeks seemed a bit flushed as well.

When the train pulled into the station, Alan exclaimed, "Look, look! There she is! My beautiful Arlette! My brother brought her with him to greet me!"

He gushed uncontrollably as he piled his belongings onto the roll-cart. Ed tilted his head to the window to glance out at the man's woman and brother. His breath caught in his throat.

_Can't be! Must be a coincidence._

He shook his head free of the man and woman at the station who mirrored the couple in his thoughts. If only it had ended with them.

Edward was never so lucky.

He was horrified to realize that the closer he actually was to someone, the more intense these thoughts became. When Winry greeted him on her doorstep with an emotional embrace, he'd nearly passed out.

_An infant! Bloody and screaming, held in the arms of an exhausted mother who smiles down at her newborn baby girl. First steps, and the child with bright blue eyes falls back to her hands and knees with a stunned grunt. Birthday party with the neighbors, and Ed sees his mother and father standing side by side, smiling as two young children smear cake all over themselves. She falls from the tree in the back yard and cuts her arm when she is four._

Her parents are killed, and she's crying. Older, they go to school, and he sees his brother and himself walking beside her. He sees his brother and himself through her eyes. Rapid images…

She's alone in her room, working on blueprints for his new automail. She's alone in her room thinking about him, and she's touching herself.

She's with them again, shared memories, and then she's in a tunnel with the library girl. Back home, more images. He's on her doorstep and she's hugging him.

She's upset. He's insisting that they can't stay long and she's angry that he's not staying even though he has already completed his mission. She's screaming and crying. She's packing her things and heading to Rush Valley. She's going to study there.

There's a funeral. She's holding onto Ed and crying. She wants to stay with him, keep him company, but he shuts her out as always.

She returns to Rush Valley and gets an attractive new client. She thinks he's attractive, anyway. They talk a lot, and they date. He buys her tools, and she smiles. They kiss under the street lamps. In between the sheets, she whispers, "Gonna marry me or what?"

He proposes to her, and they get married. He manages an automail shop. She works for him. They save their money. They get a house and Winry's pregnant. She's moping about how Ed never writes. He's no longer teaching at the university. No one seems to know where he is, and he never visits.

She's in labor. It's too soon, and she's hurting. There's so much blood. Her husband is crying, holding her hand, but she doesn't hear him. Too much blood. It hurts! Can't breathe! Not…breathing…

"Edward?" Winry asked, puzzled by the tears that streamed down his face as he stood there in a daze. "I mean, I expected it from Al, but geez you guys! I'm the token crier here, or have you forgotten?" He tried to laugh it off, but the look on Al's tear-streaked face wasn't one of joy either.

They returned to Central. Ed insisted that he needed to report to Mustang immediately, and Winry argued they could wait a while. It'd only been a day since their return.

"You quit the military, remember?"

"Look, Winry! I have obligations! Stop being so selfish."

She'd hit him then, and cried. Really, he just couldn't bear to endure any more details of her past and future. The longer he stayed with her, the more agonizing it was. His foul mood must have been contagious, because Al didn't seem very intent on prolonging their stay either.

The general approached them with a warm smile when they ascended the staircase, and he congratulated them with a firm handshake. Even as Edward cringed when confronted by the intimate secrets of Roy Mustang's life, he had to smile weakly at the last image to flood his senses.

_Typical this bastard gets to die old and content in his bed._ Ed felt a chill run up his spine; startled, he turned to look behind him.

"Something wrong, Edward?" Mustang asked, and Ed turned back around, avoiding eye contact.

"No…it's nothing. I just thought I felt someone watching me."

The General chuckled.

"Old habits die hard. You're going to have to learn to get used to a life without people trying to kill you all the time." He smiled, trying to make light of their history, and Ed could at least manage a convincing grin in return.

"Yeah."

"It's a nice place, isn't it Al? Furnished and everything! What do ya think?" Ed asked, as cheerfully as possible. Al looked around the room, but he didn't seem to care. Ed was too afraid to touch him now, and even when he refrained from physical contact, he would catch snippets of Al's life, fragments of emotions, and snapshot thoughts he had no business looking at. At night, it was even worse. He would dream of people he knew, nightmares of how their lives would unfold and all the alternate endings were he to intervene. He would see people he didn't know, people he was going to meet, and sometimes he would just mingle with the dreams of others and wake to the feeling that he'd violated the souls of his fellow men. It was enough to make him sick, and on many occasions, it did.

"Brother…" Al said, so quiet Ed barely heard him.

"Yeah?" He looked over at Al nervously as the younger boy walked across the foyer and sat down on the sofa, drawing his legs up to his chest.

_"It's not so bad."_

Al was neatly folding his clothing and placing it in his suitcase while Ed leaned against the doorway in silent observation.

"Ah, still mulling it over I see," Al said, and he really did seem happy for a moment. Ed knew better and labeled the emotion 'relief' instead.

"What is there to want? It's all a waste. All I ever wanted was to fix you and I fucked it up. I wanted you to be happy, and I've taken away any chance you will ever have at happiness."

Al paused in his packing and turned to his elder brother, more wisdom than a boy his age should possess apparent in the way he studied Edward.

"Revenge. You want to punish the one who took everything away from you. You want to punish yourself?"

"Heh. I'd sure as hell deserve it."

Al frowned.

"Brother, I understand why you want to shut everyone out, but isolating yourself won't make this any easier. I've decided…as long as I don't get too close to anyone emotionally, I won't see that much about them. Just little bits and pieces. I think if I become a doctor for the military, I'll be able to contribute to society and help others, and not have to live _completely_ alone."

"I said I understood."

"I know you do! But sometimes it's just better to say things out loud. I don't want to start confusing what's happening now with what's happened and what _will_ happen. I'm trying to keep myself from going completely insane."

"Al…"

"I know you're sorry!" Al was getting exasperated with Ed, and he didn't want to separate himself from his brother, but staying together any longer would be the end of them. They both knew that _far_ too well. "You know I don't blame you. I don't hate you, but really, figure out what it is you really want out of life now, Ed. It's the only thought you have left for yourself." Al returned to tidying his belongings and snapped the suitcase closed. He let out a long sigh and walked to the doorway. Ed clung to him desperately.

"It'll be okay, brother."

They both knew better.

He couldn't stop thinking about him! Those inhuman eyes on him, watching him from a distance and waiting for the moment to pounce, and it was totally useless. Ed knew exactly when and where Envy would strike, and that it would amount to nothing on the sin's part, but what was so fascinating were the thoughts that raced through the homunculus's mind.

He'd first noted his stalker when he greeted the general, but paid him no mind because he knew Envy knew that then was not the time to attack. However, reasons behind Envy's hesitation would not leave him alone. The monster wanted him dead, he really did. Envy's hatred for Ed was so strong; Ed could actually feel that rage coil in his own stomach whenever thoughts of his estranged 'half-brother' rose to the surface, but Envy seemed conflicted as well. Ed's death had been one of his primary goals (now his only goal), so what else would he have to pursue once he completed the task of disposing of Edward? Even Ed himself didn't know the answer to _that_ question, because he survived every possible encounter he could have with Envy before they happened.

Finally, frustrated over his thoughts of Envy and his current predicament, Edward decided that perhaps Al was right, and he _did_ want revenge. So he set a trap that was sure to work, and he caught Envy in the abandoned lab where Envy himself had once held Ed captive. He asked Envy the question that haunted him, and when he didn't receive an adequate answer, he tortured him and carved out answers for himself in Envy's skin.

Being so near Envy, he recalled visions from the Gate and relived centuries in the seconds it took to reduce his prisoner to bloody pulp.

_Musty. Heat. It hurts! There's a tall man with glasses, covering his mouth in disgust, eyes watering at the putrid stench. Everything's broken inside him, and a woman is caring for him, feeding him something and whispering soothing words, but they sound wrong._

His body is reconstructing itself and he's asking her questions now. He wants to know what he is. Who is she? Who was the man? Why did he walk away? Why…does it hurt?

She tells him he was an accident. The man is his father, but his father doesn't want him. She tells him they are both alone in the world. They've been abandoned. She's the only one who loves him. He's lonely, and he doesn't understand this longing. This emptiness. She explains to him: these are the remnants of the emotions from his former life, and they aren't real.

He's discovered a hidden talent. He can change his form. He's so proud, and he wants to show her, his 'master,' and she smiles in a way that makes him think that maybe he shouldn't have showed her at all. She says, "Child, I know what to call you now…"

She tells him he has to do it. He has to play the role, and he hates it. He hates the feeling of the human men grinding him between his thighs, fucking him as the whore he's forced to be. He feels dirty and doesn't understand why. He yells at her, begs her not to make him do it again, and she scowls and hurts him. She binds him to the wall, shoves metal through his back, and twists his body until he cries out and agrees to do as he's told without question.

He resents her, and she knows it, but she can use this to her advantage. He knows she's using him. She redirects his hatred towards humanity and his 'father' Hohenheim, and he goes along with it. He can't go against her, and it's easier this way. Soon his mind is so diluted with lies, he can't even remember what his true 'feelings' are. Years upon years, he carries out her orders and imagines he really does enjoy annihilating civilizations. He creates a perfect image for himself, to stand out against his siblings. He hates them, but he doesn't want to be alone, so he stays.

She tells him about Hohenheim's other children. The ones that replaced him; he sneaks off without her permission, to see if it's true. He watches them. He watches the woman hang laundry on the line, a baby on her hip and a toddler tugging on her dress. The woman pats the toddler on the head, leans over and kisses him, and Envy hates them. He hates them so much he wants to cry. He wants to kill them, but he's afraid of what will happen to him if Dante finds out.

There are tubes of red liquid surrounding them, and broken stone from the ceiling piled on the lab floor. Ed curls in on himself, but Envy keeps kicking him. He doesn't want to stop. Wants to keep hurting Ed, wants to kill him, but his younger sister halts the beatings.

He wants to see Ed suffer. Wants him to pay, because it's not fair! Wants him to lose, because it all should have been his! And he wants…

"What is it you want?"

Ed thought that maybe it was a bad idea, that yes, it definitely _was_ a bad idea, but he couldn't help himself. He knew Envy would get free eventually and come back to find him, just as troubled over that question as Edward, and the nights between that time and the meeting to come, Edward dreamed of nothing but _Envy_. As much as he had once loathed his enemy, he found himself awake in cold sweat and tears over the bastard.

_Envy knew she didn't really need him. He was expendable. She could easily make others to replace him. He tried to gain her approval. He wanted to be loved. Even if he didn't understand what that meant, he knew he didn't have it and that was enough to want it! He wanted everything he didn't have. Edward was everything he didn't have._

He wanted Edward. He hated him. He hated himself…

Edward tried to disregard the noises the homunculus made behind him, where he'd left him bound to the floor. He read the same line in his book a thousand times over, not seeing it and already knowing it, and he found the most distracting thing to be Envy's shivering. He didn't think Envy deserved his kindness, but he felt invading the homunculus's past and exposing his secrets merited an apology that he offered in the form of a pillow and blanket. Besides, it was raining outside, and while the floor was probably uncomfortable, Ed thought Envy could at _least_ be grateful for the roof over his head.

_He looked just like him. Envy could turn himself into anyone, even Edward, and admire himself. Touch himself if he wanted to. Pretend he was someone else. It didn't matter if it was a lie. Lies were the only thing he really had to call his own. After all, his entire existence was a lie._

He couldn't tell the difference sometimes. Was it hate? Was it lust? Did it matter? It didn't stop him from biting his lip as he threaded his fingers through golden curls. Didn't stop him from retching afterwards.

He really wanted to kill Edward for doing this to him.

The apartment was getting too stuffy with stolen memories, and Edward applied for a teaching job at a university to pass his days. It was something to do that offered a change of scenery, and it would be a while before Envy dropped by for another visit.

So it began…

Punches became caresses, snarls became kisses, and neither dared to tread on the reasons why, but in brief moments of tenderness Envy seemed revitalized and Ed continued to pour his life into him despite the drain it had on Ed's own body. Ed would roll over and squint at the wild rat's nest that served as Envy's hair, trying to seek out a patch of scalp from where he lay beside his lover. He even ventured to extend his fingers in the unruly strands about Envy's head, but Envy curled in on himself, rejecting Ed's touch and denying the fact that only moments ago he had his legs wrapped around those sturdy hips, the two of them panting and sweating, moaning and wailing. Ed withdrew his hand and rolled over, laying on his back and eyeing the ceiling instead.

Routine was strange, he decided. Before, each day was new, filled with the unexpected as he wandered out in search of the forbidden. He had his lows, convinced that his failure and disappointment _were_ things he could address as 'routine,' but in hindsight that was much different from the nine to five of life now. There was coffee and work, a lunch break just before noon, more work before returning to the dorms to read his mail and file his lessons. Then bed. He looked forward to Al's calls every Friday afternoon, but really, while the stagnation of his days was something he felt he _should_ appreciate, he found his gratitude was scarce.

Then there was Envy. Envy who insisted the battles weren't over. Envy who fought hard but fell flat at every attempt to instigate Edward, and he wondered what it was that kept him from putting the poor bastard out of his misery. Maybe it was because Edward wasn't all that happy either? Or maybe, Envy was just something outside his schedule, refreshing in his own way. Maybe he needed something different, something stranger than normalcy. Maybe…maybe something _just_ irrational enough that he could trick himself into thinking he didn't already know the exact reason why he and Envy did everything they did.

The sun was just beginning to peak in through the curtains when the phone rang.

"Tell me. What is it you want?"

Edward's voice came out as a raspy whisper, calm and inquiring, as if he actually _cared_ to hear Envy's response. However, the constricting hand around Envy's throat sealed off any answer Envy may have had to offer. Cold metal clenching around the sin's neck, an inhuman strength present in the grip and yet, Edward held back. While he was capable of pressing down relentlessly and wringing the last semblance of life from Envy's mockery of a body, he merely pinned the homunculus to the point of irritable discomfort.

_Those eyes._

Dull. Faded. Edward's eyes were as unfeeling as the automail at Envy's jugular. Envy could see the entirety of Edward's burden in them, and he could feel Edward's body weighed down by years of hardship, suffering, and loss, but even then, Envy found it was not enough.

His lips cracked and bled when he sneered, and he gagged on his laughter.

"I want to see it." He groaned, arching his back and stretching his body along the length of the form crouching over him. His eyes glinted eerily in the moonlight, and a sudden intake of breath caused him to choke on the tattered pieces of his esophagus, worn from verbal abuse. He could feel the blood in the back of his throat, tickling his trachea as it trickled down his windpipe. Edward didn't loosen his hold on Envy, and watched emotionlessly as Envy heaved and writhed in the grave soil beneath him, face flushed and strained as he struggled to breathe.

Envy gasped--a drawn out, desperate sound of a dying beast, and hacked up a slimy wad of thick, black goop. Tiny droplets of imitation blood splattered Ed's face when Envy spat the remnants of the mucus blob from his mouth, but Edward only stared with that damned unreadable expression.

"I want to witness it…" His grin stretched, far too wide and hideous for such a pretty face. "Your death." Envy chuckled, tiny trails of red bleeding out between his pointed teeth and dribbling down his chin.

Edward lowered his head, lapping at the crimson liquid along Envy's jaw and savoring the taste of wasted lives. He tightened his hand on Envy, using his thumb to tilt Envy's head back for easier access to the tender skin pulled taut over a racing pulse.

"Heh…do you miss him? That…your precious little brother?" Ed's flesh hand dug into Envy's thigh, and he nipped at the tendons of his lover's neck. Envy snickered. "Must really suck, giving up so much for him, only to have the stupid fuck throw it all away, hm?"

The nips turned to bites and Envy winced.

Only two weeks since he'd received the news that Alphonse Elric, 19, was killed while serving the Amestrian Military as a field medic. He was serving in General Mustang's unit when a firearm malfunctioned and sent a stray bullet through his temple. Edward replied to the call with a quiet "….I see. Thank you," then dressed himself and went to class as always.

Only three days since the funeral. Edward didn't cry. Mustang gave him his sincerest apologies, and Winry clung to him and wept shamelessly, but Ed merely watched the ceremony in silence. Onlookers commented that he seemed very confused, and at home that night Envy cruelly confided, "I wish I'd been there to see it."

Edward had been more brutal with Envy then, re-animated by grief and rage, his indifference swallowed up by sorrow. Envy had soaked it up. He anticipated every beating, every painful intrusion, every anguished cry that ripped free from his throat as he came, and the guilt written on Edward's face when he realized he'd done the same, but tonight Ed was…. resigned. Burnt out. The last of his energy spent on Envy.

Edward wandered off late in the evening and Envy, out of sheer boredom and mild curiosity, decided to follow him. He stayed a considerable distance from Ed as the troubled Elric knelt down before his deceased sibling's grave and muttered about how he was never any good without him, and how he should have warned him, even when he knew the uselessness of such an act. Even when he knew Al had accepted his fate long before he'd been deployed. Edward's shoulders quaked and he wrapped his arms around himself and sobbed.

Envy watched, but said nothing. He didn't even consider taking advantage of Edward in such a weakened state and killing him as he might have done in the past. No…he simply…watched. He watched as Ed traced the name carved in stone with his hand and smiled miserably.

"I won't…leave you alone…Al."

He watched as Edward spread his body over Al's grave and sniffled into the moist earth, promising to return to his side. Comforting him in his 'darkest hour.' He watched and he …felt…something. A stirring.

Envy intended to flip the whelp over and curse him for being so filthy and disgusting, yell at him to go ahead and _rot_ with his beloved brother, but a blur of movement and he found himself on his back with a frightfully cold, detached Edward straddling him. _Questioning_ him again. As if this were so damn…important.

Even with blunt nails, Edward clawed Envy's delicate skin bloody as his scrambled for the tight black skort the freak always wore (even though Edward had offered him more suitable clothing). He tugged the confining clothing down, down, down, and left Envy exposed while he fussed with his own pants. Envy dragged his fingers through the dirt, his eyes shifting focus from Ed's crotch, to his face, to the moon, and then to nothing at all. He was trying to remember something, only he couldn't remember why he was even trying to when Ed freed himself and began pulling Envy's hips up onto his lap, his artificial limb keeping a secure hold on Envy's neck.

Edward paused, brows drawn together as if he were trying to unravel some equation and Envy snorted, turning his head to the side towards the mass of tissue he'd practically thrown up. Ed scrunched up his nose, repulsed by the notion. He obliged anyway, scooping up the sludgy substance and coating himself with it. He closed his eyes and tried to relax, _concentrate_, on arousal. A soft whine emanated from deep inside him and Envy could feel the heat grow between Edward's legs. He shifted himself as much as he could to let Edward know he was waiting to be attended to.

Edward lifted his eyelids a bit, enough to see the pale light reflecting in Envy's drowsy eyes, and enough to take in the way the night gave his body a death-like sheen, turning his skeletal frame a pale blue, and behind Envy, Ed's brother's name engraved in tombstone. Had Edward been in a healthy state of mind (a place he hadn't visited since he'd first encountered Envy in the lab basement after Dante's disposal, no, perhaps longer than that, stretching back further than his death to the night of his failed transmutation), he would have been greatly disturbed by the effect this image had on him, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Now, he only knew the rush it gave him, and the need to bury himself in this vision. In Envy. With Envy.

_Envy?_

He thrust forward and Envy grunted at Ed's suddenness and lack of preparation, but the feel of him was something he had grown accustomed to, as much as he loathed admitting it. He dug his heels into the ground behind Ed and pushed himself up into a more accommodating position for the both of them, but Ed's firm clamp on him made it difficult and when Ed pulled back to drive into Envy again, the angle was all wrong.

Pain. Hurt.

He knew the burn and stretch, the awkward, forceful prodding that caused him to cry out. His screams were strangled, drizzling into a liquid sound at the end of each exclamation, but Edward didn't seem to hear him. Envy doubted the brat would have listened to his protests anyway.

"F-FUCK!" Even his usual swears came out pitiful and pleading. Envy tore at Ed's arm, reaching out and trying to touch him, the _human_ parts of him, trying to remind Edward of _what_ and _whom_ he was fucking, but he couldn't quite make it. One hand wrapped around the automail wrist, the other suspended in the air between them: a skinny, shaking sapling of a limb. He opened his mouth, but was greeted with silence.

What would he have said? _'Please stop! You're hurting me!'_ He couldn't bring himself to beg. Instead, he sucked back his breath and bit down hard on his cheek when Edward plunged even deeper into him.

After a time, Envy vaguely noticed Edward picking up speed. Ed was sliding effortlessly in and out of him, Envy rocking back and forth in tune with his partner's motions. The entire act was so unappealing for Envy that he couldn't even maintain a hard-on and simply went slack as Edward rode him.

Ed's breath hitched and he lifted himself up and over Envy, slamming his hips into Envy's ass with all the strength he had left as he climaxed. He hovered over Envy, gasping for breath and still caught in a haze. Envy watched silently as recognition seeped back into Ed's eyes just the same as always. Shock. Disgust. Shame. Regret.

"Hey…" Ed croaked, trying to smile, his eyes apologizing as they always did. He let go of Envy and lowered himself, resting his head on his chest and clinging to Envy like his life depended on it, and what a scary thought that was, that this might very well be the case. "I really want to know. What is it you want most, Envy?"

_Heh._

Envy sneered at the night sky and draped his arms over Edward, pulling him tighter against his body. He could feel Ed trembling. He could feel the warmth and wetness of Ed's quiet tears, tears shed in mourning for someone who _wasn't_ him. Tears shed over the helplessness he felt, knowing so much and being able to do so little.

Envy watched the stars and moon grow fuzzy above him and he could feel the prickling dampness that slid down over his _own_ cheeks. He closed his eyes and he could _feel_, even though he pretended he couldn't.


End file.
